On the face of it, I achieved my full potential in my first profession.
As a reporter for the global news agency Reuters, I couldn't have climbed much higher, without moving into management. In my final role as a political correspondent, I worked from a desk in the UK parliament, I travelled on the prime minister's plane (PMs Tony Blair and Gordon Brown), I went to press conferences in the White House and I partied in Downing Street (back when parties were allowed). Pretty successful, at least on the outside. Yet the inside was a dramatically different story. I performed incredibly well but all the while, I carried an intense sense of shame, chronic low self-esteem, a feeling that I didn't belong and a fear that, at any minute, I would be found out. And once found out, I'd be marched right back to my single-parent family in Liverpool and reminded that I'd only gone to my posh, private school thanks to a full financial scholarship and that I'd always be the kid on free school meals, no matter what I achieved. Oh yes, that dreaded imposter syndrome. Fear Hijacked My Potential These feelings and fears meant that I didn't actually fulfill my potential, despite my grand job titles. During the years I reported for Bloomberg in Mexico and for Reuters first in Brazil, then in Britain and on assignment to other parts of the world, I'm sad to say I let many wonderful opportunities pass me by. Yes, there were a few precious moments when I walked through my fears and allowed myself to shine - genius story ideas that I acted on and turned into acclaimed features, pieces of writing about a Brazilian prison or the fallout of the Haitian earthquake on the most vulnerable that I still cherish today. But most of the time, I was too scared to act. Instead, I reacted. I took what I was given. I did the job I'd been told to do. So instead of proposing a trip to the Amazon to follow up on a cracking story, I wrote about the Central Bank and its latest policy on interest rates. I crushed my own creativity. I kept myself small and safe. Multiple Acts of Self-Harm That's not the only way I sabotaged myself. I was so stressed and scared about getting it wrong and being told off (a legacy that dates back to some turbulent experiences in childhood) and I had so many feelings I didn't know how to process, that I looked for ways to numb my feelings, escape my pain and block out my fears by getting high on sugar, alcohol and adrenaline. My coping mechanisms, all of which I'd learned as a young girl, included binge eating, binge drinking, compulsively exercising, over-working, adrenaline-cycling and pursuing unhealthy relationships that hurt me and others. I continued to use these behaviours, to lean on these crutches, into my late 30s, right up to and beyond the moment I burnt out, broke down and got signed off my fancy job in parliament. I remember, sitting on my bed in my one-bedroom North London flat, tears streaming down my face as I tried to explain to the kind person on the other end of the phone (Reuters' Employee Assistance Programme) how desolate I was feeling and how desperately I needed a quick fix. Looking back, I must have been in shock. I'd worked so hard for this life, this career, this freedom, this independence, this flat and here I was, approaching 40, signed off sick, single with no kids, entirely, one hundred percent alone. How on earth had I got it so wrong? Letting Go of Survival Skills I now know that I didn't get anything wrong - I had simply learned certain survival behaviours in childhood that had carried me far and wide, propelling me up the career ladder and landing me on the London property ladder, but those behaviours had stopped working and I was now seeing the light, seeing the truth: that I didn't want to be like this anymore; I didn't want to work like this anymore; I wanted a different life. I have a very different life now although it took me a huge investment of time, energy and money to get here. I write this post from my home with my husband by the beach in Dorset. I swam in the sea this morning, walked the dog and then wrote some of my novel after that. Later, I'll coach other women who've hit a similar wall to me: women who are in or approaching midlife, who have fallen out of love with the high-flying careers that have kept them so busy that they haven't had time to find a partner or have kids and who are looking for someone to fall in love with. Yes, I have found purpose in my pain and a way to use my hard-won life experience and professional expertise (having studied counselling, psychotherapy and coaching and having recovered from an eating disorder and other addictions) to be able to impact the lives of those who are still suffering. When I coach one-to-one, hold space for groups of women or speak to audiences about how to avoid burnout, breakdown and self-harm, I am in my element, doing what I feel I am meant to do, working to my potential, combining a lifetime of skills and experience, being entirely, authentically me, rather than the false self I created to try and stay safe. And this me, the authentic me, produces incredible results: I have clients who were single and who are now engaged, married, happily co-habiting or in exciting new relationships; clients who were heading for burnout and who have stepped back from the brink; clients who felt soul dead in their careers and who are now pursuing their passion and purpose. This is all wonderful but there's an important question I have to ask myself every day: How well am I? Am I Walking the Walk? Do I have both those elements I speak of: full potential and wellbeing? Many days, yes. I start the day with meditation and a beautiful sea swim and I work in a balanced, boundaried and healthy way, taking regular breaks, holding everything lightly, letting things go, feeling good enough. Some days, no, because I still carry that wounded child inside me - the little girl who knows she must be good, do the right thing, impress and please others in order to stay safe, in order to survive; the little girl who felt there was something wrong with her, that she was somehow deeply flawed, and if she could just be perfect, if she could just work hard enough, maybe she would be acceptable and lovable; the little girl who became Head Girl at school but was embarrassed to claim her free lunch (is there any such thing?); the little girl who walked along the corridors of parliament, feeling like the odd one out, like she didn't belong, despite having the same Oxbridge education of many of her journalist peers and the politicians she interviewed. On those days, anxiety propells me out of bed and I do nothing to calm my nerves. I work at a frantic pace with a furrowed brow and snap at anyone or anything that interrupts me. I stare at the screen until my eyes hurt and work well beyond the time I said I would stop. Thankfully, there are many more healthy days than unhealthy days but I remain a work in progress and I have to remember where I've come from, how far I fell, how badly I broke down. I have to remember to treat myself with love, compassion and kindness and trust that everything I deliver is good enough and that my health and wellbeing absolutely come first. If I don't do this, I'll merely be talking the talk. I'll be giving from an empty cup. But if I do this, I will be walking the walk, giving from a full cup, from an attitude of service and surrender, and therefore in the best place to inspire, empower and support others to reach their full potential in work, life and love while staying happy, healthy and well. *** Comment below if this blog spoke to you, and if you'd like to read more of my writing, check out my book, How to Fall in Love. You can download the first chapter for free by signing up at the bottom of this page. You'll also see a button to book a free discovery call with me. Book a call with me if you are ready to change your approach to life, work, love or all three. I'd be delighted to support you. Take a look around this site to explore my coaching offerings, courses, retreats and free resources.
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